Session 14/21

Page 3/7 Transitioning from childhood to adulthood

Transitioning from childhood to adulthood

WHEN A CHILD BECOMES A TEENAGER

Transitioning from childhood to adulthood is a time of profound physical, psychological and emotional changes. A sudden hormone production makes the brain and the body grow in a few years, and the child is transformed into an adolescent, able to produce the next generation. This transition from childhood to adulthood is called puberty. Psychologically and socially, teenagers must gradually separate and detach from their caregivers, learn to build an independent personality, and create a new social network. Caregivers must find ways to balance care and protection with respect, and help teenagers manage their own lives. A difficult time for both parties.

In puberty, being part of a group of other teens suddenly means more than the relationship with the family, and the demands at school change. Teenagers can feel a longing for independence that naturally comes with puberty. At the same time, they still need parental care and guidance. It is a difficult time for them, where they have to get used to physical body changes and new feelings. Their caregivers also have to find new ways of providing care, and help while their children change and become adults. For many teenagers, puberty can feel like a mountain that is impossible to climb.

As a foster mother, it is a great dilemma for me to shift from the natural obedience and trust I used to get from my foster daughter Christina. Now she no longer listens to me, she criticizes me, and she goes out without saying when she will be back. I want to give her some freedom to help her live her own life. On the other hand, I can see that she is not aware of all the risks around her, and she is not mature enough to realize them and protect herself.

PUBERTY AND TEENAGERS IN CARE

Children in care have often experienced separation trauma, loss of parents, or physical neglect in early childhood. These experiences can make the transition from childhood to adulthood even more challenging. Fear of independence, or acting like an adult too early in life, are common problems. Sudden shifts in moods can be more intense than usual. During this period, attachment is reversed into a question of how detachment and separation from the secure base at home can take place in a positive way, so that the teenager can become educated and lead an independent adult life. Children who have experienced severe abuse, maltreatment or deprivation when they were infants often enter puberty earlier, and for some it occurs as early as 8-10 years of age. This increases the risk of sexual debut and early pregnancies.

HOW CAN CAREGIVERS ADJUST THEIR CAREGIVER STYLE?

Puberty means that the caregiver’s style must shift from obedience to dialogue, negotiations, and agreement about rules and freedom. For teenagers, time with friends and classmates can be more important than family time. It is important to understand and accept this. It is a natural step in the transition towards independence, and scolding, moralizing and controlling no longer works. Therefore, a caregiver should also become a mentor or partner: someone who listens to and talks about the teenager’s challenges in his/her relationship with friends. You do not always have to come up with solutions, because the conversations themselves, and an accepting attitude can be of great help – and sometimes the only help that is needed. For example, a young man remembered his foster parents as follows: No matter how confused I was, or how much I protested, I could always talk to them about anything – they just listened and never blamed me. The most important thing is that the caregiver shows a kind, calm and determined understanding, and that caregivers and teenagers agree on decisions and house rules.

HOW TO SECURE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TEENAGER

During puberty the relationship between child and caregiver changes. As part of the development towards independence, it is natural that quarrels and conflicts can arise. It is an age where intimacy and closeness can be provocative. The teenager may begin to spend time with other young people, and be more loyal to this group. This can lead to shame and isolation from caregivers, refusing to listen, or constantly arguing with the caregiver. Much depends on how the caregiver chooses to respond when the teenager begins to challenge the boundaries.

During puberty, the teenager must create a new and independent self-understanding, and often he or she will switch between childish dependence, and attempts to achieve independence by creating distance to the caregiver. This is natural, but it creates a lot of doubt among caregivers: When should one stick to restrictions and rules, and when should one show trust and give more responsibility? 

Research indicates that adolescence can be a major challenge for caregivers if the teenager has had a difficult start in life due to neglect, trauma or loss. How can you provide care and guidance, while supporting the teenager in making their own decisions and managing themselves?

Replacing control with a secure and open relation

The most important way to support a child in the transition to adulthood is building a strong and positive relationship. Research shows that teenagers who have a strong relationship to their caregivers engage less in high-risk behaviour, have fewer mental health problems, and better social skills and strategies to cope with distress. Also, teenagers with strong and open-minded conversations with their caregivers engage less in drinking, drug abuse and risky sexual behaviour.

The caregiver’s availability and sensitivity in times of distress are important for a good relationship between caregiver and teenager. A teenager does not need the same physical closeness as a toddler, in order to feel securely attached. It is the support from the caregivers and their readiness for dialogues that is essential for the teenagers. Keep in touch and give space. Remember to be available for whenever your teenager needs you and encourage him/her to take small and manageable risks. That will help him/her cope with problems later in life.

Watch this short interview with Paul and Wilkista, who grew up in a SOS Children’s Villages in Kenya and share their experience with the transition from childhood to adulthood. They talk about dreaming big and state, that it is important to follow your heart and pursue your dreams. They also share their advice for teenagers in puberty and how caregivers best can support them.