Session 14/21

Transitioning from childhood to adulthood is a time of profound physical, psychological and emotional changes. A sudden hormone production makes the brain and the body grow in a few years, and the child is transformed into an adolescent, able to produce the next generation. This transition from childhood to adulthood is called puberty. Psychologically and socially, teenagers must gradually separate and detach from their caregivers, learn to build an independent personality, and create a new social network. Caregivers must find ways to balance care and protection with respect, and help teenagers manage their own lives. A difficult time for both parties.

In puberty, being part of a group of other teens suddenly means more than the relationship with the family, and the demands at school change. Teenagers can feel a longing for independence that naturally comes with puberty. At the same time, they still need parental care and guidance. It is a difficult time for them, where they have to get used to physical body changes and new feelings. Their caregivers also have to find new ways of providing care, and help while their children change and become adults. For many teenagers, puberty can feel like a mountain that is impossible to climb.

As a foster mother, it is a great dilemma for me to shift from the natural obedience and trust I used to get from my foster daughter Christina. Now she no longer listens to me, she criticizes me, and she goes out without saying when she will be back. I want to give her some freedom to help her live her own life. On the other hand, I can see that she is not aware of all the risks around her, and she is not mature enough to realize them and protect herself.

Puberty means that the caregiver’s style must shift from obedience to dialogue, negotiations, and agreement about rules and freedom. For teenagers, time with friends and classmates can be more important than family time. It is important to understand and accept this. It is a natural step in the transition towards independence, and scolding, moralizing and controlling no longer works. Therefore, a caregiver should also become a mentor or partner: someone who listens to and talks about the teenager’s challenges in his/her relationship with friends. You do not always have to come up with solutions, because the conversations themselves, and an accepting attitude can be of great help – and sometimes the only help that is needed. For example, a young man remembered his foster parents as follows: No matter how confused I was, or how much I protested, I could always talk to them about anything – they just listened and never blamed me. The most important thing is that the caregiver shows a kind, calm and determined understanding, and that caregivers and teenagers agree on decisions and house rules.

Replacing control with a secure and open relation

The most important way to support a child in the transition to adulthood is building a strong and positive relationship. Research shows that teenagers who have a strong relationship to their caregivers engage less in high-risk behaviour, have fewer mental health problems, and better social skills and strategies to cope with distress. Also, teenagers with strong and open-minded conversations with their caregivers engage less in drinking, drug abuse and risky sexual behaviour.

The caregiver’s availability and sensitivity in times of distress are important for a good relationship between caregiver and teenager. A teenager does not need the same physical closeness as a toddler, in order to feel securely attached. It is the support from the caregivers and their readiness for dialogues that is essential for the teenagers. Keep in touch and give space. Remember to be available for whenever your teenager needs you and encourage him/her to take small and manageable risks. That will help him/her cope with problems later in life.