Session 14/21

Page 6/7 From control to contracting

From control to contracting

It is important for teenagers in puberty, that their caregivers find a good balance between not being provoked by their behaviour and keep being firm in keeping limits and boundaries. It is important to be very clear about what rules are negotiable, and what house rules are indisputable. This is important to know when your limits are tested. Teenagers naturally test your limits; therefore, you need to be aware of what is negotiable and what is indisputable.

A useful rule to remember is: always talk to the adult side of the teenager – no matter how childish you think he or she behaves. Another good rule to remember is: Do not demand, suggest or ask! Explain your reasons. It is important that your relationship is about mutual respect and not only about authority and dependency.

The roles “we are your caregivers and you are the child” naturally dissolve in puberty, so it is necessary to find other ways of cooperating. It can be a good idea to use contracting instead of control.

ACTIVITY SUGGESTION: Agree on a contract

You can prepare to give the teenager a say by discussing and agreeing on a contract together, where he or she comes up with suggestions first. For example, how long is it allowed to stay out, that you have to talk to your caregiver if something difficult happens, that you have the right to be alone etc. You can introduce the contract like this:

“You are growing up and you can do many things on your own. This means that you will have some duties in the house but you will also have certain rights. We want to make a contract with you, stating what you have to do every day, how long you can stay out with friends, and what freedom you get from us. such as areas where we will let you decide yourself without arguing about your decisions. In that contract we should also talk about what we as your caregivers should do if you or we do not fulfil what we agreed on. So, let’s start writing it together – do you have any suggestions for what we need to agree on – what is important for you?”

Try to find two everyday situations where an agreement is needed.
Try to write down or think about what you want the contract to contain, but always listen to the teenager’s suggestions first.
Can you hang the contract on a wall somewhere in the house, once it is agreed upon?

GROUP DISCUSSION

15 minutes

What is most challenging for you in working with teenagers?
How do you balance authority and rules, and still allow the teenager some freedom?
When your teenager is moody or protests, what helps you stay calm, kind, and sensible?