Session 14/21
Page 5/7 Dialogues about puberty with teenagersDialogues about puberty with teenagers
DIALOGUES ABOUT MOOD CHANGES AND PHYSICAL CHANGES
If you have talked to your children about puberty and prepared them at an early age, it becomes easier to talk to them about their transition from childhood to adulthood once they are in it. Being a teenager can be a very vulnerable time, and many teenagers need clear role models and adults they can confide in.
Creating the intimacy to be able to talk to teenagers about issues related to puberty, such as changes in the body, insecurities, sexuality, and dreams for the future takes time. It does not necessarily have to be the primary caregiver that becomes the teenager’s confidant. Some teenagers in Eastern Africa say it can be easier to talk to someone of the same sex. So, a confidant can also be an uncle, an aunt, a grandparent, or a social worker. The most important thing is that the teenager has an adult he/she can trust and talk to about dreams as well as challenges.
I felt uncomfortable talking to my SOS mother about what I was going through in puberty. But it is very important to talk to an adult and I found a male SOS staff that I could talk to. He helped me a lot.
– Andrew, 21 years
GROUP DISCUSSION
ACTIVITY SUGGESTION: The personal story
15 minutes
- What is a challenge when you try to have dialogues with your teenager?
- How can you respond when your teenager is unreasonable?
- How can you agree with your teenager about what is his or her private knowledge, and what must be shared with you to ensure that they are safe? This can be part of agreeing on house rules.
- Is there someone (relative or friend) you think would also be a good dialogue partner for your teenager?
Suggest the teenager to draft a personal story or a diary, about his or her reflections on himself/herself: doubts, dreams, problems and desires. Consider saving a copy to hand out to your teenager when he/she leaves the family to lead an independent life.
HOW CAN YOU GUIDE TEENAGERS? CONVERSATIONS ABOUT LOVE, SEXUALITY, AND CONTRACEPTION
Many foster parents experience a certain degree of helplessness when their children become teenagers. Where are they going? Who are they spending their time with? Are they engaged in love and sexual relations? Are they safe? How can we talk about this?
Instead of demanding and setting rules, it is a good idea to involve your teenager, to some degree, in some of the fears and concerns you face as a caregiver. This is especially important when it comes to teenage girls, as there are many areas where they might be less safe than their male peers. Kathrin, a foster mother from Kenya shares her story:
Our teenagers are not safe in the slums, when they are not in school. Especially our girls. It is important to prepare the teenagers for adulthood early. I include my children in the learning and I show them and explain to them what can go wrong when they are not protected and take care of themselves. Sometimes I will find someone who’s story can be a “scary” example to my teenage girls. It is very important to talk about contraception as well as sexual diseases and body changes during puberty. Both with boys and girls. I often use examples from my own teenage years.
HOW CAN YOU GUIDE TEENAGERS? CONVERSATIONS ABOUT LOVE, SEXUALITY, AND CONTRACEPTION
You can use these three steps and conversation topics in order to have good conversations with your teenager. This can gradually create a secure space for talking about the most sensitive matters in an open way.
Step 1: Talk with teenagers about puberty
There are many ways to provide knowledge about what happens during puberty. For some it is appropriate to talk to all the teenagers in the family at once, for others it may be best to talk to each teenager alone. It is easiest if you pick a simple moment, for example when you do house chores together. Some foster parents also have a good experience when sitting at the table and drinking a cup of tea or coffee together. For some it might be easiest to tell a personal story first.
It is important to sense if the teenager is ready for a conversation like this, and if he/she feels secure in the relation with you. Tell the teenager that you are ready to listen and talk, and accept if the teenager might feel safer with another adult, or at a later time.
I didn’t like to talk to my mother about puberty and all the things that were going on in my body. My mother gave me time and eventually I was ready to talk to her. That is my best advice to other parents: give teenagers time and space.
– Jane, teenager
Step 2: Talks about boundaries, respect and their future
Many teenagers in alternative care are especially vulnerable to pressure from peer groups, and engage in unsafe behaviour. This is because they often have low self-esteem due to the trauma of their childhood. Some will do anything to be accepted in the group. It is important to talk to your teenager about his/her right to set boundaries when feeling pressure from the peer group.
As a caregiver, you can talk to the teenager by using examples from your own teenage years and share difficult situations you were facing. For example, what happened to your relations with your peers? Did you experience pressure from your peers? From your parents?
Help your teenager to find ways to say ‘no’ to risky behaviour, and support them in sensing what feels right for them. Help them in relation to temptations from their peers to say no if risk behaviour can prevent their hopes and dreams for the future. Talk to them about what they want their future to look like. Every dream is a good dream. Your dream for their future might look different, and that is okay. The most important thing is that the teenager feels supported by you and knows that you are always there to guide, without judgement.
Again, if your teenager prefers to talk to another adult – support him or her in that decision.
A local social worker became my mentor when I was around 14. I still talk to him today. My mentor is my pillar. He makes my building stand.
Peter, 22 years
Step 3: Talk about family planning and contraception
If you have gained confidence and openness in step 1 and 2, it is possible to talk about sexual and reproductive health, about protection and contraception – a very sensitive matter for teenagers.
Contraception is about preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). You can talk to your teenager about contraception and how to stay safe. Here you can find additional inspiration for informing teenagers about sexual behaviour: https://fairstartfoundation.com/1-1_sexual-behaviour-and-contraception/
Maybe you can find people in your community with certain experiences, that can help you talk to your teenagers? People who had children very early in life, people with HIV, etc.
Research shows, that it is the lack of knowledge and open conversations that often result in early pregnancies and STDs for teenagers in care. Therefore, it is crucial to inform teenagers about how to protect themselves. You can use examples from your own time as a teenager, or examples from the community. Perhaps you know a health nurse who can inform teenagers in groups? The best way to provide guidance for teenagers in this difficult time is by giving them examples from real life and a clear direction. A teenager from Kenya states: Keep talking to us teenagers and correct us when we are wrong. We are in strong need for guidance.
Please note: Research shows that children in care are at extremely high risk of becoming teenage parents, catch sexually transmitted diseases, and girls in care frequently become single mothers. This increasing problem should be carefully balanced with the norms in your local culture, How and where you may inform teenagers about sexuality depends very much on your local culture. In some cultures, this is a very confidential matter between for example a foster mother and her foster daughter, and it can only happen in absolute privacy. In other cultures, a male caregiver or a health nurse can inform a small group of teenage boys, or a woman can inform a small group of sibling girls in the foster family. When you have read the following text, please discuss carefully if and how you can inform teenagers in a way that complies with your local cultural norms.
I talk to my boys a lot about their behaviour towards girls. I will use examples of situations that other teenagers we know are facing, especially in terms of early pregnancies. It is important for them to know how to avoid this kind of situations and I tell them that they can always come talk to their parents when they face challenges of any kind. – Anne, foster mother
It is important to talk to girls about hygiene, menstruation, sexual relations and sexually transmitted diseases. Using examples from my own life or from my neighbours’ lives greatly helps me when I talk to my girls. – Rose, foster mother
GROUP DISCUSSION
30 minutes
- How can it be difficult to set boundaries for teenagers? Especially if their peers engage in activities that you disapprove of?
- How can you talk to teenagers about puberty?
- How can you talk to your teenagers about their wishes for the future?
- How can you talk to your teenagers about family planning and contraception?
- If you decided to inform about sexual protection: Are there religious or personal problems in open conversations about sexual issues? How can you find solutions that protect teenagers, in a way that is adjusted to your local culture?