Topic B: Preparing for open dialogues with your children and teens

How will your children and youth respond?

Depending on their age and history, children will respond very differently to the news. Toddlers and young children live in the moment, and will expect their present stay to last “forever”. They will need reassurance and a physical experience of their new environment in order to understand.

Older children and teenagers may already be longing to leave the Village and be part of the community, yet they can still feel insecure and afraid about the transition.

 10 minutes reflections: How will one of my children or teens respond?

Each mother reflects about one child or youth from her house:

• Does this child or youth still have fears and strong separation anxiety due to traumatic experiences before entering the Village? Or is it mostly happy and outgoing, even when something unexpected happens?
• How does this child normally respond to changes in daily routines? For example, how did it respond to starting in school, or respond to meeting new people and places?
• What hopes or interests does the child have that can be fulfilled in the community?
• From your knowledge about this child, which way of talking with him or her works best for you?

30 minutes group discussion:

One group member presents her thoughts about how she would inform one of her toddlers or young children while the group listens. Then, group members share their thoughts and ideas for the best way of informing this child. Another member presents her thoughts about informing her older child or teenager. The group listens and then gives their ideas. Then please discuss:

• How can we inform a young child or youth, according to its individual strengths and needs?

Work plan topic B: Informing children and youth

11-year-old girl’s advice for other children moving out: “From my experience, they should do their best to cooperate with their SOS Parent. They should not be afraid of moving, they should think: “I will make new friends, and pass my exams, just try to do everything right, then I will be happy”

Here are some ideas and proposals for dialogues and activities to make children and youth understand what it means to move out. They can participate actively in the process and be heard about their opinions and ideas. The work plan has two steps.

Step 1: Open dialogues with the children in each Mother´s house

The familiar and secure surroundings of a Parent’s house is a good place to introduce children to moving out in the future. Find a time like afternoon tea or evening when all children are present.

Helpful tips for informing children 

Here are some guidelines for how to talk with children about moving out:

• Choose a place and time where you and your children are calm. Tell them a story about how you yourself experienced a relocation or shift in your childhood, and what you learned from this.
• Present the possibility of moving out at some time in the future to the child, in a calm and positive manner.
• If any children respond with protest, fear or sorrow, allow them to show their feelings and talk about their thoughts. Don’t interrupt, or try to convince them about the benefits. Give them time for their immediate reactions and questions.
• Reassure the children that you will still be their Mother, only now in the community.
• Tell the children that you will talk again many times before anything happens.

After the house meeting, the group can share and evaluate the process:

• How did the children respond to the news?
• Did any children show signs of being re-traumatized – do we need a therapist for some?
• Which children need more individual dialogues with their Parent in everyday situations?
• Which questions from them must we find answers for?
• What did we learn from informing the children?

Step 2: An info meeting for all Village children

Soon after one or more Parents have informed their child groups, a meeting to inform all children in the Village should be planned. Why is this important?

Even if only one Parent is planning to move out, news will quickly spread among all staff, and children in the Village will pick up bits of conversations among staff. To avoid children´s misunderstandings and worries about what will happen to them, it is important to arrange a general info meeting for all Parents and children in the Village. Other staff, such as program managers and school teachers can participate and contribute.

Here’s one proposal, please adjust as necessary:

• • Children from each Village house are placed in groups with their mother.
  • The Village Director or project manager presents the general reasons and timelines for moving out.
  • A former Village SOS mother presents her experience as a community SOS Parent.
  • One or two young persons who already live in foster care describe their experiences before and after moving, and their present experience of living in the community. How they made friends, about starting in school, what skills they learned, their advices for other children.

Group activity 15 minutes:

Children in each group discuss and ask questions to their Parents and the two young persons. SOS Parents present the questions to the audience, and relevant staff answers.